What I desire is more than intimacy, not intimacy in it's dirtied sense. True intimacy, a wordless happy connection. Two beautifully full hearts beating together as one. A radiant hug that soaks into the deepest parts of the soul and leaves no room for doubt that I am acceptable, my whole, beautiful soul is acceptable and pure, not soiled by carnal thought, but blessed by pure radiant love. I feel so torn apart, my hopes shattered by dirtied deeds done to me, by me. I feel a worthless piece of trash, chattel, refuse. I've reached out, and I have hoped. I have tried and I have found tainted, tainted love. No matter I want no more. I want to be whole. To leave all of that behind and step into my true self. My wholesome, beautiful self. She is sitting in a corner of the closet, hiding and crying, so sad that I keep letting things hurt her. I will speak up for myself now, protect my core self.
Originally published 4/22/13
Originally published 4/22/13
This is very sad dear Strawberry Girl, don't be so hard on yourself and don't feel shattered. I too would like to find a pure love with a man who was kind and thoughtful, the kind of love you describe. I am beginning to think it doesn't exist, well not for me.
ReplyDeleteYou hold onto your hopes and come out of that closet and don't let anyone else hurt you, find someone who is worthy of you...hope is all I have left and though it is not enough to sustain me, without it I could not go on.
Take care
xoxoxo ♡
SG... I have long followed you for a very long time (and mostly in silence). Truth be told you are a marvelous creation and work of God's art. Stop being so hard on yourself... you are beautiful inside and out that is exactly what God has made you to be.
ReplyDeletePsalms 51
ReplyDelete1 Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7 ¶ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
14 ¶ Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
18 Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.
I didn't really expect anyone to comment but it gladdens my heart to read your thoughts of hope and love.
ReplyDeleteThank you
SG
You are such a girl sometimes. xxx
ReplyDelete