Working Without Soul

At random moments my humanity will surface

A tear rolls down my cheek

A sigh

I feel 

Emotional 

For no apparent reason 

and I have to reign it in

Because my time is being bought

by a multimillion dollar company

My heart, my breath, my mind

are not mine

Because I'm selling them

and signing up for more!

I am fighting to be relevant

fighting off the suffocation 

so that I don't suffocate my loved ones

My breath

Breathe

Breathe

Work and breathe

sigh

Concentrate, Concentrate!

I can't, I can't! I want to be somewhere, I want to be doing something, but not this... please

Spinning, flying, dreaming

Spin through the air

feet flying

a doll in the wind

checkered vortex and stars await me

as I run into the shadows

Inky places

Rushing at me

as the pebble rolls

spinning sidewalk

Zooming cars

Zip everything up and put it in my pocket.

I reach out to grasp

the dragonflies tail

it is hovering

if I could grasp it

it would fly me past the slow motion movie

upon a screen

reclining against the boulder

a man

sipping languidly

from a bottle of dew

watching the water

roll past his feet.

My Soul

If I could
I would write my spirit out into the world,
past these corporal bonds,
the shadows of self doubt.
I would be upheld,
a phantom,
peering out of the golden hued clouds,
gliding this way and that
with the wave of my arm.

My company would be
rocky outcroppings of mountain peaks and valleys;
luscious greenery and fine yellow wild flowers.
My hair, spread behind me as golden beams of light.

Royalty

A purple heart

bleeds

bruised but not broken

Royalty cloaked

as a beggar

Ignorance

Stare, if you must

blind eyes cannot see

past the darkness of ignorance.

An Old Poem of Longing

The hour has passed

but what of those left behind?

Crimson tears fall

as hope drains away.

Ask not the Robin

why her egg did not hatch

ask not amiss.

Ink spreads over pages

an empty book which cannot be filled

No, not for all the writing,

though ink drips from my pen.

Hold in your arms the soft sighs and joys

when the dawn breaks

my aching arms will be soothed

by a tender head.

Killing With Kindness

The agony of hidden grief

Chambers of the heart

Hollow pain

Full of longing

Empty, empty arms

Empty kisses

Empty love

Love making

Love taking

Faking a smile

Faking interest

in anyone else

The world is full of empty promises

All your soothing words and gestures

Your sincerity and earnestness

Makes me cry

Because you killed me

When you hurt my children, my sister

They say forget the past, don't let what happened there affect you today.

But I can't forget it, I cannot

You killed me there

Don't come back

It hurts

Patches on the Soul

Life is full of definitions, assumptions

Darkness, indifference

Alienation

These came about through IGNORANCE

Igorance of who I REALLY am

Pigon holed into your perfect paradigm, BLESSED ignorance!

I am not a paradigm

I am the essance of what is real in this world

The wanderer, searching through innocence, indifference

BLASTED infamy!!

All this

All the words spoken to me, by me

you didn't hear my voice

not really

I cannot be defined, placed into a model of simplicity

To really know me

Give me your thoughts, hear mine

My essence is self reflection

the pieces of my soul have all been patched together 

You got in the seams and TORE at them, TORE

Inadvertently

Yet no less damaging for all that.

Now I'm left patching them up, for the first time in YEARS I can hear my own thoughts again.

I can be who I am again...

Perfection

A state of perfection

I have killed myself before, reaching for a state of perfection
Stayed up all night to make sure that all articles of clothing have been washed and put away, all floors swept and moped, all carpets vacuumed and spot checked

I have washed walls and cried because I couldn't stop
Stayed home from parties
because my home was not clean
and I myself was not fit
curves not tucked into place

I didn't feel acceptable then

my children
went without me

to church
to family parties

they went off to play with their cousins at skating rinks and trampoline parks

while I lay sleeping

exhausted

imperfect

It's ridiculous

to think that I am not good enough

because everything is not in it's place

I live in gratitude that my children work hard everyday trying to do well in school, studying and striving. Yes they could help out more, I could demand more...

I think though that there will be time enough for me to sit all alone in a spotless house.

Aching to see their art projects, their bouquets of dandelions filling up my expensive tea cups, my daughters makeup, my sons basketballs and Pokemon cards. Someday I won't have to deal with it all.

Will I be perfect then?

I think not

Perfection lies in all the striving, all the creativity and life of the curious mind. Perfection is my daughters makeshift box house taking up space in the living room, someday I will get rid of it... someday, but not today. 

Where is my heart?

Where is my heart?

This is my companion, a keening search for self

Trying to define 

My smile

Deep mystery

Deep

Deep 

Deep soul

Searching constantly

for the pieces

Spread throughout the world

Written down 

spoken 

By others

passing words on their lips

thoughts on paper

A piece of me

I am

Reflected in your smile, your laughter

Ever searching

So many places

Scoured

for the source of myself

balm for my heart

Not whole

Pieces of my soul

spread thin

Written down

or spoken

Where can I find my heart? 

I have searched in caverns of wonder, I have listened to the wind

I have felt a disjointed prayer as I searched in the woods. 

Can I join in communion, with the laughter of the angels?

A little

Where is my heart?

It is aching in my chest

Poked and bleeding 

As I turn the pages of the pictures on the screen 

It is filled with echos

of wonder

birth

love

It is sitting here with me at my desk

In a world where heartache 

is hard to escape.

Futility

There's nothing left to do

words have been spoken

Whispers

between lovers, between friends

Certainty is broken

some things end

we move on

Memories fade away

and there's no reason to keep remembering

connections that are lost

lost

tears can't bring them back

nor thoughts of the past

wishes cannot make our friendship last.

and distance brings a different world

you walk there

I here

and it's better that your parents smile

and sister

what more could I wish

than your happiness, however it is found

sending my thoughts out to you, in the void

hearing nothing

seeing nothing

continuing is foolishness

Irrationality

The rational mind
thinks it knows

how life should be

It describes
moving on
circumstances and changes

It is the arbiter of life
directing what it feels to be

right

good

Proper

Emotions

Ignore all that

the wishes of the rational mind.