So Sad Tonight

What I desire is more than intimacy, not intimacy in it's dirtied sense. True intimacy, a wordless happy connection. Two beautifully full hearts beating together as one. A radiant hug that soaks into the deepest parts of the soul and leaves no room for doubt that I am acceptable, my whole, beautiful soul is acceptable and pure, not soiled by carnal thought, but blessed by pure radiant love. I feel so torn apart, my hopes shattered by dirtied deeds done to me, by me. I feel a worthless piece of trash, chattel, refuse. I've reached out, and I have hoped. I have tried and I have found tainted, tainted love. No matter I want no more. I want to be whole. To leave all of that behind and step into my true self. My wholesome, beautiful self. She is sitting in a corner of the closet, hiding and crying, so sad that I keep letting things hurt her. I will speak up for myself now, protect my core self.

Originally published 4/22/13

A bit of a thought for a book...

It was startling, she had just walked into this room only an hour before and now everything had changed. The decor, no longer the upbeat modern with floating lights and minimalist furniture, was a tacky yellow and orange. There was a round Formica table in the middle of the room and the chairs reminded her of the elementary school cafeteria chairs that she grew up with. There was smoke in the air, odd, especially since smoking had not been allowed in the facility for as long as she could remember.

She heard a door open and turned, this guy with a full on 70's style suit walked in and got his lunch out of the green refrigerator. He gave her a sideways glance, as if she were the one with the weird clothing, then proceeded to heat up his lunch in the bulky microwave sitting on the counter. Another guy walked in, again in a 70's style suit, and the two start discussing politics ignoring Alex. She heard the men mention President Nixon and Watergate. Alex was flummoxed! What was going on?

Then, as if the dial of a radio was being turned the room, the men and the conversation wavered and blurred and the next thing Alex knew she was back in her own familiar break room. What had happened!? Was that all a dream?

Motherhood

Every emotion sweet, tender and yet inadequate
wrapped in a bundle, with soft cheeks and soft hair
So freeing and purposeful
The job of mother

A tiny fraction of your soul, given life anew in another human being
their joy, their pain
is your own

They go dancing through life holding your hand and then letting go

How poignant that moment can be

Each turning from one stage to another, so keenly felt

By a mother

Jumble

Here I lay, broken pieces, a jumble on my bed

You've classified me a mistake

All the laughter has deflated from my lungs

Tears press out of my eyes and I am alone

Falling in Love

Wouldn't it be nice if we could fall in love like we used to
two young people who meet
at a shop, in the center of town
where she works as an ice cream clerk and he comes in to flirt

Wouldn't it be nice if on a summers day I met you
as you came around the corner
out for a stroll
on a lovely summers day

Or in school, the shy guy hiding behind your bravado

or any way that we all used to fall in love

The characters of text on my little phone screen don't speak to me like a stolen kiss in the moonlight out back in the field

I'm not the same, sitting behind my desk at my 9-5 job

as I was barefoot, walking down center street in the hot summer sun

I just feel like you can't really understand who I am

In this staid, fettered world.

Untrue

You left me because you say that I have been untrue, to you

Untrue to you?

What!? Untrue??
I gave you of myself
I gave you my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams

My heart

With radiant eyes, I looked upon your face
I clasped you in my arms
and I wept for all the silences, that revealed all you wouldn't say

Untrue to you

All that I have is myself
I have only wished for happiness

Untrue to you

I gave you all, and all was sunk
deep, deep into that pit of sorrow
that infects your soul and radiates a silent pulse of animosity

Untrue to you, no!

Untrue to myself, I am mine alone to give and belong to no one else.

I gave you all I had
In return, I am set adrift

True to myself, all I have to give, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams

To share,
with someone else

Blocked

Behind those friendly eyes
a dormant secret lies

A beast of a secret
a secret of power
a secret of

You have been hiding it but I know it is there
it is silent
it is deadly
killing all who dare to breach its domain