Mother

I am a mother. 

My purpose, my heart, my life has been given to my babies. 

As each of you was born, as I carried you, I felt your presence, I heard your song, and I hummed along, attuned to the beating of your hearts.

To be a mother is to wrap your love around another and to nurture that life. 

I was so young when my first was born. I was a baby, and yet I felt so strongly that I could be better than I was, that I would make my son proud.

It was hard; my world was so dark. I had so little to give at the time. 

But I gave my heart, and I knew that I would learn how to be the person I needed to be. Each day was dedicated to that purpose. 

Each child made my will grow stronger, and as fiercely as I loved them, the more I had to learn to turn away from what harmed them, what harmed me.

Education was the answer for me. For each book I read and each thing I learned about health and healing, my broken spirituality and ignorance was for me and for them.

I tried so hard to keep my little family together. I tried. 

The bravest thing I ever did was letting go of false ideals and standing against the breach, 

going to work in the cold corporate world when I would rather have spent my life just holding my children and loving them. 

But I am a mother, I am a woman, I stand when others fail because I could not let my children down.

And I don't know if they know this, but they gave me life as much as I gave it to them.

Americans

Miles and miles they roam from sea to shining sea facing the unknown, facing the world, facing the shadows of you and me.

Frontiersman and fools, fabled supremacy, panning for gold distantly.

Alone we stand, alone we rely! Alone we fight, alone we die!

Americans

Burning

Over and over I try to write 

of the passions flowing through my veins

my heart bursts

memory aflame 

it's maddening

how the fire burns

low, and deep

unsatisfied

la

you devil

you absolute devil

there's no one like you

no one

the frisson from connecting our bodies

and souls

is burned into me

memory of a flame

that builds when we are together

la

you devil

burning this desire into my soul

making me ache

and fantasize

remembering our nights together 

and days

and time in between

it's a sweetness, that I can almost taste

a feeling

I can almost capture

you devil

making me burn

Exploring the Wilderness

There is something whispering to my soul

it has always driven me

made me pause

listen

and search for the source

the beating of my heart

blood coursing through my veins

it's a wild, untamed thing

when I stand under magnificent trees

the wind blowing through the leaves

I feel it

grand waterfalls as well

there's a power in this world

that moves through us all

and when I'm near you 

I feel it too

Can you feel it? 

Our breath moves together

as we clasp each other

hearts beating

skin tingling

bodies aching

blood coursing

your scent 

and mine

together

the quiet of the room 

interrupted

it's wild, untamed

magnificent

kinetic

and I pause

to look at you

and feel you near

looking up 

into your eyes

trusting

there is power in your kiss

it has always driven me

to the edge 

of madness

every inch of you

drives me wild

Sometimes

It's enough to like what you like and get done what you get done.

I sometimes need a reminder of this. 

I look at all the many possible paths I could take, hobbies I could do, and sometimes I think I'm pretty boring.

So I'll put in extra effort to be more interesting, which is exhausting. I end up lost in a place I don't really understand.

So I reclaim my story, my unique oddness, and dust it off. In doing so I discard my ill fitting impersonations. 

And pick up all those interesting bits of myself, that I discounted before.

Refrain

 I miss you

I felt at home in your arms

we got along

there was joy

companionship

you know

it was beautiful

I loved you.

I look at my life,

I see, short lived fantasies

don't know why there are so many

I think I'm a solid catch.

I have what I need though

a life

a family

and friends 

I guess it's enough

but I miss you.

What if?

Life is confusing, especially all that stuff about finding your purpose. I don't know if people really know what that means. A purpose implies that someone has planned something for you and that you're drifting around looking for it. But I don't think that's how it works.

We are driven by needs, love, safety, security, and basic biology. For me, there's always been a need to prove myself. That I'm worthy, that I'm worth it, that I am beautiful, loveable, likable, smart enough, good enough, yeah, just basically worth having around.

But it's not only been that I've wanted to prove to myself that I was worth it as well, that I could do all the things people said I couldn't and also all the things that I wanted to do. I've always wanted to learn more, do more, be more.

In reality, I think I've felt on a very basic level that we are all in a system that doesn't allow us to do what we'd like. We are trapped here and the more we want, the more we have to give to get it.

If I could, I'd somehow circumvent it all, pay off all my debt, and be free to do whatever I like with my time. Which would probably look like me reading, writing, creating and just being myself. But I'm trapped, along with most everyone else, and that's how it is.

I don't think life has a purpose, I think we make life what we want it to be by putting into it what we want to get out of it. If I could, I would create a fantasy land, where we all could live and create and just be happy. Wouldn't that be beautiful? The land of possibilities and creation. Just being with people who feel the same way and want to live the same way?